Earlier this week I went to a large conference of early modernists. It's the first conference at which I've given a paper in a few years, and I was very nervous about it. I know many academics have fears of being revealed as frauds at these things (imposter syndrome) - even if they really do know their stuff - but I've not done much in the way of my own research for quite some time, and I was convinced everyone would be able to tell. I felt like an interloper at this gathering of early modernists. Most of my teaching recently (and research for lectures) has been on topics much more modern.
I sat through the conference, listening to lots of other academics whose paper were clear and impressively constructed. My paper was in the penultimate panel, so I spent much of the conference worrying that my paper wasn't as good, that I'd never be able to answer that sort of question, that I'd forgotten everything I used to know around the topic on which I was speaking (I took the paper from a chapter of my thesis), etc. Thankfully, the paper went well, so I think I got away with it.
I also met someone else who is working on the same parliamentary bill (in a different context) as I discussed in my paper - we plan to share work on this when we have written the articles. I'm planning to, no, going to turn this paper into a journal article. And then I'm going to start on a book proposal based on the thesis and / or a new article from scratch. That way at the next conference, I'll still worry about being exposed as knowing nothing, but I'll at least have some new research to discuss so that I can trick other conference delegates into thinking that I do know something.
3 comments:
I am glad I am not the only one who feels that. I recently found out I got a First and I occaionally get the feeling that it was down to sheer luck rather than the hard work I put into it!
Congratulations on your First! You don't get one of those without a lot of hard work - even if you are naturally gifted in some ways. Even some big-named academics feel the impostor syndrome sometimes(one of them admitted it to September Blue at a conference).
I'm glad it all went well. I always feel like an impostor at these things, secretly worrying that it'll somehow be revealed that I'm really not that bright after all and that my work isn't very good! But I think these insecurities are inherent to our jobs. It always amuses/comforts me when at a conference I sit and watch as big-name academics flush red from the neck upwards, shuffle their papers nervously and shake and sweat as they deliver their ideas to the group. This, I feel, is reassuring!
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