All Change, please

I suppose for background to this post you need to know that I have been dating The Physio for around two months now. I've kept it a bit quiet, because it's very new, and it seems to be going well, and I didn't want to jinx it!

Last weekend The Physio was going away to North Eastern City for a stag night. Aspiring Author, my friend from the Beautiful Scottish City that I Miss, wanted to come and visit me and the Little Dog, so I thought that would be an ideal weekend. I could then spend the weekend with Aspiring Author without neglecting The Physio, or not spending enough time with Aspiring Author because I'm also trying to include The Physio (and I thought that Aspiring Author might be a bit uncomfortable sleeping in my living room if The Physio was in my room).

The Physio joked about me spending the weekend with another man the first time he went away, but did add that he wasn't really the jealous sort and that I "don't seem like the cheating type". I'd say this makes him a reasonably good judge of character, although I'm not entirely sure what the 'cheating type' is like.

But I'm pretty sure that I must have looked like the 'cheating type' at the train station on Sunday, when I walked into the station with Aspiring Author, hugged him (he's a good and long standing friend) as he got on the train, bought a coffee, walked over to the next platform, sat for 10 minutes waiting for the next train, hugged The Physio as he arrived and left the station with him.

I wonder what the station staff thought...

Navigating feelings....

Whilst reading a collection of essays on Shakespeare's sonnets, I came across this quotation from William Reddy's The Navigation of Feeling: A Framework for the History of Emotions (CUP 2001) and had to share it:

'Suffering that results from goal conflicts is seen also in love relationships... Seeking out a loved one may realize a high-priority desire to be with the person, but it may also expose one to rejection - and thus to the knowledge that one has not embraced the loved one's own goals. This happens most obviously when the loved one makes clear the desire to avoid the lover... When and in what ways ought one to seek out the loved one in order to bring about a change of heart? When and in what ways ought one to accept the loved one's expressed aversion for oneself? Emotional suffering occurs when high-priority goals are in conflict in this way'. (p.123)

Unfortunately, the quotation ends here without answering these questions. Anyone tempted to seek out the book and see if it has any good suggestions?

Across a crowded room...

The other day I was sitting at the back of a coffee shop in the City where the Castle is also a Prison, checking some transcription work I've been doing (I'm not good at working at home at the moment, and the Department is mid-move so I have no office). I'd just finished a section and I looked up from my papers, catching the eye of a very attractive man who had just come in.

I smiled at him and he walked to the back of the room, and put his bag down at the table next to mine. He then seemed to change his mind, and moved to the front by the window on the main street. He looked over to me again; I smiled, again. He smiled, left his bag where it was and walked towards me.

He stopped at my table, and I'm starting to think that the amount of time I've spent sitting in coffee shops might be about to pay off in a big way, and then he asked, "Are you Alexa?"

Well, no. I'm not.

And now I'm also kicking myself for giving in to the thought that eyes meeting across a crowded room might actually happen to me.

Healthy cynicism?

A fortnight ago, a friend who is Naturally Beautiful but Doesn't Really Know It came to stay with me. I was watching an episode of Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman when she arrived (I have several of the seasons on DVD - it's one of the programmes that I really enjoy watching, however corny we may all agree that it is). I left it running in the background and turned down the volume while we caught up with each other's news. At one point Naturally Beautiful, who had just looked up at the TV screen, said "Oooh, he's a bit tasty!". I was fairly sure who she was talking about, but I turned to look and agreed - yes, he is. This is one of the reasons I like watching Dr Quinn.

We started to talk about the other reasons I like it, and she asked me a question which I have previously asked myself. In fact, SuperMum asked me something similar last week when we watched Bulletproof Monk (which I also like). Why is it that I like this, with its many 'happy endings' but that romantic comedy films make me cross. I watch these romantic comedy. They make me smile - often they make me giggle - but in the end they usually make me cross. Why? Because the world is not like that. Not all relationship problems are surmountable with a hurried drive to the airport to stop her getting on the plane, or a New Year party where if you kiss someone you'll be with them all year. Lots of relationship problems are not fixable. Sometimes life kicks you - hard - in the stomach and you just have to stand up and move on. This is not the stuff of romantic comedy.

Why doesn't Bulletproof Monk make me cross? Because it doesn't ask me to buy into 'love conquers all'. It asks me to suspend my disbelief, pretty much from beginning to end, and doesn't really make a secret of this, and doesn't present itself as 'real'. Romantic Comedy asks me to buy into 'real' happy endings. And these happy endings often just 'forget' about the previous problems. They haven't been addressed, dealt with and overcome; they've just been set to one side - outside the genre of the romantic comedy ending - and the writers, producers and directors expect the audience to forget these problems too. It sells the fairy-tale romance, and we [are supposed to] buy into it. I'm not sure I do, anymore.

Yes, this might be cynical. It might be, as Naturally Beautiful suggested, entirely different were I dating someone. But for now I'm not, and I don't want to be fooled into buying into 'Hollywood love'.

So, what is it about Dr Quinn that I am prepared to buy into? Well, I think it's an advocation of an old fashioned, pulling together, community spirit - it's not just about romantic relationships. Things don't always work out and it doesn't often ask me to conveniently forget problems for the purposes of a happy ending. But it does have happy endings.

I'm not really against them. I am, in fact, looking for my happy ending. But if / when it comes, I don't want it to be romantic comedy contrived - partly because at some point those problems we conveniently forget will find us, and by that point everyone's in too deep not to get hurt. There's nothing wrong with a bit of realism. Even if it at times it seems cynical...

Key Rings

My students were discussing The Merchant of Venice today, and the symbolic or material value of the rings given by brides to husbands (or husbands to be) in the play. One group was very amused by the bawdy joke about rings at the end of the play, one student felt that for Shylock there was only monetary value to the ring Leah gave him, whilst other students (and I) disagreed.

But, all this talk of rings reminded me - I got my office keyring stuck on my left hand ring finger the other day.

Do you think someone somewhere is trying to tell me something?

One veggie burger and a steak sandwich

After another productive morning at the NLS yesterday, I met The Accountant for lunch. he's not my Accountant (financially or romantically) but he is my 'plus one' for parties, weddings, etc, when I don't have a boyfriend. The Accountant and I go back about nine years now - he was in the same Halls of Residence as me in the first year of our undergrad studies.

There was, briefly, the possibility of romance the first time he was my 'plus one' to a school reunion Ball. We - well, OK, he - decided it wouldn't work out between us. He said he's a bad boyfriend and liked me too much to screw up our friendship by a bad break up. I have my suspicions that he isn't as bad a boyfriend as he claims, and he just uses that as an excuse to maintain his very quiet, 'don't rock the boat' life [of the Will Young song 'If I lose the highs at least I'm spared the lows' sort of life]. But still, as reasons for not dating someone go, that's one of the nicer ones. (But no, to any men reading this, it is not a get out of gaol free card.)

Now The Accountant and I have an imaginary 'line' drawn between us. There's laughing, flirting, mickey-taking (chemistry, in short), but 'the line' is never crossed. Flirting is safe, because nothing will come of it - and we all know that it's important to keep the flirt muscles exercised! And we don't look like we brought a friend to a function because we couldn't get a date; slow dancing isn't awkward (OK, maybe in that respect sometimes we kick sand over 'the line'...).

As a friendship, it's great. As each other's 'plus one' it works. But when I think about it, I guess he's right - we wouldn't work as a couple. We are very different people. Perhaps too different for a long term relationship: I like pets; The Accountant doesn't want the responsibility. I like to be around people; The Accountant doesn't.

Lunch restaurant waitress: Are you ready to order?

Me: Yes, I'd like the veggie burger, please.

The Accountant: And I'll have the steak sandwich.